We're not invincible...

It's so weird to think about how long of a life I've actually had.  22 years, almost 23.  23 YEARS...what have you ever done that's lasted 23 years??  And it goes by so quickly, you almost wonder what you have done that's meaningful, but yet again, you think that you have 100 more years to accomplish anything you want to.

A year ago, a girl from my hometown was murdered by her boyfriend, for trying to get out of their abusive relationship.  They had a child, who is now in the custody of his grandmother (her mom).  She was 17. SEVENTEEN.

This past weekend, an old friend of mine from way back was killed in a car crash.  Would have been 23 in June.  Her two children were with her, but neither were hurt too badly, and are expected to be fine. 

Technically, both were younger than me, but even if we don't go on technicalities, one was younger, one was my age...how blessed does that make you feel?

At 22 years old, I've dealt with death quite a few times, but I've never sat down and thought about it.  Its a natural thing, it happens when people get old, but I'm 22, it won't happen to me for a while, I have plenty of times to say "I'm sorry" or do the things I want to do. But do I really? 

I have never been more thankful to God than I am right now, for just letting me live.  For letting me have the guy I have who loves me, respects me, and treats me the way I should be treated.  For getting me out of crazy messes that I have been in, whether it be a car accident, a concussion, or just anything really.  We don't have forever to live (not on this Earth anyway) and I know especially for me, its time to stop taking advantage that I have all eternity to do whatever I want.  Hang out with friends more, fight less, don't wait as long as possible to say "I'm sorry," and go have fun!! Life is too short, as cliche is that may sound, there's so much to do...don't take advantage, because we are not invincible.  Death doesn't just come when you're old.

a lover's quarrel

I'm a big girl now! And not in the pull-ups training pants type way.  I've got my big girl job, my big girl apartment, my big girl relationship.  Wait...big girl relationship?

I'm not the relationship type.  Haven't been that way in a LONG time.  Too much has happened, its just easier to have my fun, and be done with it.  But then, I meet someone, I have my fun, but, I don't want to be done.  So in my infinite wisdom (you know, now that I'm a big girl) what do I do? I push. I push and push and push because if HE leaves, its okay because really, I don't want to be in this, but for some reason, I can't leave.

But I do want to be in this.  So....we take the plunge, April Knight is in a relationship.  We're 6 months in, and now all of a sudden, I think I'm scared again.  Every little thing makes me think he'll leave.  Everything little thing makes me think he's mad at me.  I'm not this girl.  I'm tough, I don't care what guys think, I'm independent, and I can live my life on my own....right?

Wrong.  I can't.  So...this realization should make everything okay in my relationship because I KNOW I need him - so why isn't everything okay?  Why do I still think he'll walk away?  Why do we fight about stuff that doesn't matter (admittedly, fights that I start)? 

None of this really means anything.  I know I'm going to be with him for the rest of my life.  I know we'll have our children together, I know I'll come home every day and never get tired of cuddling on the couch with him and watching TV.  I know that although he may tease, he doesn't REALLY care that I would rather pick something up for dinner than stand in the kitchen and cook.  He knows me, I know him... 

...but I'm still so very scared.