a lover's quarrel

I'm a big girl now! And not in the pull-ups training pants type way.  I've got my big girl job, my big girl apartment, my big girl relationship.  Wait...big girl relationship?

I'm not the relationship type.  Haven't been that way in a LONG time.  Too much has happened, its just easier to have my fun, and be done with it.  But then, I meet someone, I have my fun, but, I don't want to be done.  So in my infinite wisdom (you know, now that I'm a big girl) what do I do? I push. I push and push and push because if HE leaves, its okay because really, I don't want to be in this, but for some reason, I can't leave.

But I do want to be in this.  So....we take the plunge, April Knight is in a relationship.  We're 6 months in, and now all of a sudden, I think I'm scared again.  Every little thing makes me think he'll leave.  Everything little thing makes me think he's mad at me.  I'm not this girl.  I'm tough, I don't care what guys think, I'm independent, and I can live my life on my own....right?

Wrong.  I can't.  So...this realization should make everything okay in my relationship because I KNOW I need him - so why isn't everything okay?  Why do I still think he'll walk away?  Why do we fight about stuff that doesn't matter (admittedly, fights that I start)? 

None of this really means anything.  I know I'm going to be with him for the rest of my life.  I know we'll have our children together, I know I'll come home every day and never get tired of cuddling on the couch with him and watching TV.  I know that although he may tease, he doesn't REALLY care that I would rather pick something up for dinner than stand in the kitchen and cook.  He knows me, I know him... 

...but I'm still so very scared.