Kids Say the Darndest Things

I moved home for a little while, and I thought that I was going to be miserable. 23, back with my parents - who does that? Little did I know, I would learn so much about myself, and so much about life.  In an effort to get out of the house, and get my mind off of recent events, I decided to help out the cheerleading team of the little blonde, below on the left.  This is Ashton. I remember when she was born. Her parents are my second parents - she's like my little sister, and for these few months at home - I worked as a nanny for her and her two older brothers.  Ashton's team needed another coach  - so I stepped up for the position.

When I got my job (which I started today) I never thought that I would miss seeing these girls 4 times a week. But I do. On Mondays, at 9:30 - I would just be getting home from cheer practice. Brooklyn, the 2nd from the left above, would have regaled me with some amazing story about her day - always full of cheer and always asking me how my day was, how she can help me. 9 years old - and already wise beyond her years.  Next in the (in the pink) is Riley. The cutest 6 year old I've ever come in contact with. Always running up with a hug, a kiss and a "I love you, Coach April" I could always count on her inability to say "three" instead of "free" as something that would brighten even my most depressing day.

For the last 4 months, these girls have been my life. These are my Canes. A group of 8 girls who will never know how much they changed my life. They will never know how needed they made me feel - and how loved they were.  I have been taking depression medicine for a while now. I can tell a difference between taking it and not - but I never have felt the love that I felt from these girls. Thank you so much darlings, for making me someone of importance again. I will always love all of you.

"I Carry Your Heart"

I carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart). 

I am never without it (anywhere I go you go,my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling).

I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet). I want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true),
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you.

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide),
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart:

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart).

- E. E. Cummings

Death Smiles At Us All

Today was by far the scariest day of my life. I was at our family produce stand, and this older lady dropped. No pulse, no breathing, what do you do? CPR. I stood there for a few minutes going over the moves in my head. First this, then this...over and over, until finally...the guts to actually do something.  CPR is hard. It takes everything out of you...its scary. I was down on the ground for 15 minutes. FINALLY the ambulance arrived - but to no avail. They said before they put her in the back of the ambulance that she was not making it. 94 years old. I wonder what all she has seen in her life. Some of WWI...all of WWII.  Martin Luther King, the Great Depression. Wow. So many things she witnessed in her lifetime. Its amazing to really think about. And its what I try to think about...

Here's what I'm really thinking: trying so hard to save someone, and I failed. Not just got-a-bad-grade-on-a-test failed...someone lost their LIFE failed. How do you deal with that? I've never watched someone die. Right there in front of you. And you were the one everyone was looking to fix it, solve the problem. I'm kind of ashamed.

I know I shouldn't be. It was just her time - God was ready for her. But why put me there? What was the reasoning for that?

From Noah to Allie, From Me to You

I couldnt sleep last nite because I know it's over between us. I'm not
bitter anymore because I know what we had was real. And if in some distant
place in the future we see each other in our new lives I will smile at you
with joy and remember how we spent a summer beneath the trees learning from
each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the
soul and makes us reach for more and that plants a fire in our hearts and
brings peace to our minds and that's what you've given me and that's what
I'd hope to give to you forever. I love you; I'll be seeing you.

...but things changed, and that's the way it is.

Well, well, well. SO many life altering changes this last month. Talk about turning your life completely upside down.

Someone I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with is no longer in the picture. Well...not in the way he was. Still is probably the best friend I'll ever have, but it's not the same...is it ever?  I can only continue on in life day by day, and maybe keeping the door open for him to walk back in if he so chooses. Fortunately for us, we are still close, and I honestly hope it stays that way.  I've heard this many times, and I'm sure everyone else has as well, "We'll always be friends, we'll stay really close." It never happens, let's get real. But hopefully, this one will work out. The only thing I'm scared of the most is the fact that I will no longer be in the same town, so being friends and staying "close" is going to take a lot of effort. We say we're willing to put in that effort, that we are too important to each other, even if its not in a relationship. I hope so...when things change..I hope we still have the same view towards each other.

Yup...that brings ANOTHER change...I. Am. Moving. Leaving Rome, my home for the last 5 years. I feel like I know this place. I know everyone here...I'm comfortable here. And what's worth...I'm moving back HOME. With my PARENTS. I love my parents...but get real - I'm 23 years old. I haven't lived at home since my freshmen year of college. Shoot me.

Some personal changes as well - health changes, life altering mishaps and some "whoops.' But hey, what can you do? Just take it all in stride. Don't worry - I'm sure there will be plenty of blogs keeping you updated on how my dad annoyed me and what all I'm doing. All I can say is...can't wait for the beach.

To Get It Right...

 One of my favorite songs -

What have I done? I wish I could run
Away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight
Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
[. From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/g/glee-cast-lyrics/get-it-right-lyrics.html .]
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send down a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right

When One Door Closes...Another One Opens

You hear this phrase all the time, when things don't work out, or when you hit a dead end.  This weekend, Jake and I hit a dead end - and it is devastating. 

I started looking for scriptures, and asking questions on where to go from here.  I found many verses that helped remind me that there's a plan for my life, and Jake's life, and it's ready to be put into action...when GOD is ready to put it into action.

A co-worker of mine is a youth pastor at a church in the Northwest Georgia area.  I was talking to him this morning about advice on encouraging Jake and myself on what to do next, and how to trust God when things aren't going our way, and he said something I thought was very interesting.

He said that of course there are plenty of verses that encourage you to trust, and to have faith - but the world has taken them and translated them into having faith in the long run.  That in the long run, the plan will unfold itself.  But he said to me that, we can't live in the long run, or we will miss what we are so desperately trying to find.  It's looking for God's plan daily.  It's noticing what happens around you each day and asking, "what is His will for me TODAY?" And the pieces will fall together for the future. He said, God gives you the "what" before He gives you the "how."

He gave me an amazing example, that I already knew, but never thought about before:  when God created the Earth, the very first day he said those famous words, "Let there be light."  But did you know that God didn't place the sun and the moon until the 4th day?  So, he gave us light, he gave us darkness, and THEN he gave us the tools to make that happen.  That's amazing to me.  It's all about finding the will, and then watching for the tools that will make that happen.

I want to encourage Jake so badly, and I have had trouble doing so, because I'm not very good with encouragement.  I don't want to say the wrong thing and make it worse, and that fear usually gets the best of me.  But this was encouraging.  We hit a dead end, our plans have come to a screeching halt.  Now, it is just time for us to step outside of the box, of the direction we thought God was going to take us, and really look for the direction He actually IS taking us.

Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path."

It's not about searching for that one door that is open.  Its about looking every day at the things going on around you, and putting the puzzle pieces together so that you will slowly see what God has in store.

Some of the best days of my life...

Spring has Sprung!

My 10 Favorite Things about Spring...

1.  I don't have to pay to get a tan
2. My sun roof
3. Walking along my bridge with the sun shining on the water
4. Getting to walk to eat dinner or to places of entertainment, and not using as much gas
5. Camping
6. A beach trip is just around the corner!
7. Braves Baseball
8. All my cute sunglasses
9. Picnics
10. Pretty flowers

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, Spring is here, and I'm so excited! Aside from the bugs and pollen, I absolutely LOVE the 60-70 degree weather! This will be the first Spring spent with Jake, and I'm sooooo excited for baseball games, and picnics, and fun weekend trips! I have so many plans for my life this Spring (and his too).  Can't wait!!!

We're not invincible...

It's so weird to think about how long of a life I've actually had.  22 years, almost 23.  23 YEARS...what have you ever done that's lasted 23 years??  And it goes by so quickly, you almost wonder what you have done that's meaningful, but yet again, you think that you have 100 more years to accomplish anything you want to.

A year ago, a girl from my hometown was murdered by her boyfriend, for trying to get out of their abusive relationship.  They had a child, who is now in the custody of his grandmother (her mom).  She was 17. SEVENTEEN.

This past weekend, an old friend of mine from way back was killed in a car crash.  Would have been 23 in June.  Her two children were with her, but neither were hurt too badly, and are expected to be fine. 

Technically, both were younger than me, but even if we don't go on technicalities, one was younger, one was my age...how blessed does that make you feel?

At 22 years old, I've dealt with death quite a few times, but I've never sat down and thought about it.  Its a natural thing, it happens when people get old, but I'm 22, it won't happen to me for a while, I have plenty of times to say "I'm sorry" or do the things I want to do. But do I really? 

I have never been more thankful to God than I am right now, for just letting me live.  For letting me have the guy I have who loves me, respects me, and treats me the way I should be treated.  For getting me out of crazy messes that I have been in, whether it be a car accident, a concussion, or just anything really.  We don't have forever to live (not on this Earth anyway) and I know especially for me, its time to stop taking advantage that I have all eternity to do whatever I want.  Hang out with friends more, fight less, don't wait as long as possible to say "I'm sorry," and go have fun!! Life is too short, as cliche is that may sound, there's so much to do...don't take advantage, because we are not invincible.  Death doesn't just come when you're old.

a lover's quarrel

I'm a big girl now! And not in the pull-ups training pants type way.  I've got my big girl job, my big girl apartment, my big girl relationship.  Wait...big girl relationship?

I'm not the relationship type.  Haven't been that way in a LONG time.  Too much has happened, its just easier to have my fun, and be done with it.  But then, I meet someone, I have my fun, but, I don't want to be done.  So in my infinite wisdom (you know, now that I'm a big girl) what do I do? I push. I push and push and push because if HE leaves, its okay because really, I don't want to be in this, but for some reason, I can't leave.

But I do want to be in this.  So....we take the plunge, April Knight is in a relationship.  We're 6 months in, and now all of a sudden, I think I'm scared again.  Every little thing makes me think he'll leave.  Everything little thing makes me think he's mad at me.  I'm not this girl.  I'm tough, I don't care what guys think, I'm independent, and I can live my life on my own....right?

Wrong.  I can't.  So...this realization should make everything okay in my relationship because I KNOW I need him - so why isn't everything okay?  Why do I still think he'll walk away?  Why do we fight about stuff that doesn't matter (admittedly, fights that I start)? 

None of this really means anything.  I know I'm going to be with him for the rest of my life.  I know we'll have our children together, I know I'll come home every day and never get tired of cuddling on the couch with him and watching TV.  I know that although he may tease, he doesn't REALLY care that I would rather pick something up for dinner than stand in the kitchen and cook.  He knows me, I know him... 

...but I'm still so very scared.